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Category Archives: Miscarriage

Posts from BFP to Miscarriage

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These posts were written on a hidden page here during the time between our positive test and the miscarriage.

January 21, 2013

We took a long break from TTC. I had a really difficult time being off all my meds, and I had to work with my doctors and get stabilized before we continued trying. This last cycle was our third since the break. On Friday, I started spotting, got a BFN (big fat negative) on an FRER (First.Response.Early.Result pregnancy test), and assumed it was over. Then on Saturday, I had stopped spotting. So, I took another pregnancy test, and the faintest of second lines appeared. I spotted some more during that day, but on Sunday, a slightly darker line appeared, and I got a “Pregnant” reading on a digital test. I spotted a little more throughout the day. The spotting really worried me, as did the lightness of my test lines. Today I went in for my first beta. The RE’s nurse called with my results, and as soon as I answered, I could hear it in her voice. My HCG is only 26. They look for 100+ at this point. This is likely not a viable pregnancy. Even though I had my doubts due to the light lines and the spotting, this still hurts. I go back Wednesday for another blood draw to see what my HCG is doing. If it doubles, there is hope for this pregnancy, and I’ll have another draw to see if it continues to double. If it doesn’t double or is already falling, I’ll continue to have draws until it drops below 5, and we’ll have to try again. This sucks…

January 22, 2013

You know what’s worse than the TWW? The two day wait between a not-so-encouraging BETA result and the next one…

January 24, 2013

We got some excellent news yesterday. My beta HCG more than doubled during the 48 hour window between tests. We now have our first ultrasound appointment scheduled where we will hopefully see a heartbeat. I feel like I barely breathed for two whole days. We’re not out of the woods, but I am much relieved…

On January 29th, I went to the ER and was admitted to the hospital

February 3, 2013

Last Monday afternoon (5weeks), I started having bad cramps similar to my worst period cramps while wrapping things up at work. By bedtime, they were even worse. On Tuesday, they came and went until late morning when they were joined by sharp pain on my right side that eventually sent me to the ER. My HCG had barely doubled in 6 days (honestly, I think it was already falling). The ultrasound showed no signs of pregnancy. I was admitted and monitored for a possible tubal pregnancy due to the severe pain. This consisted of blood draws every 4 hours to make sure my hemoglobin levels were stable and I wasn’t bleeding internally. As I was being transferred from the ER to my room, I began to bleed. Even though I knew the miscarriage was inevitable, the bleeding was when I crumbled. I wasn’t allowed any food or water for almost 24 hours in case I required emergency surgery. Tuesday night, they gave me m0rphine, demer0l, and a sedative via IV, but I was still in pain. The addition of two perc0cet by mouth finally allowed me to sleep. Through Wednesday until noon, my hemoglobin levels had remained stable as my HCG continued to fall. I was discharged with black and blue arms and an aching heart. We had allowed ourselves to get excited, to imagine the joy of a family of four even though we knew it was early. We’re hurting but dealing and are grateful that it turned out not to be tubal. So that’s all for now.

February 5, 2013

People ask how we’re doing. My default answer has been that I’m physically doing better and the rawness has subsided a little. The whole truth is that I’m in pain. I’m hurting physically and emotionally. The worst part is that every single time I go to the bathroom, I’m reminded of our loss. The bleeding is terrible. I never imagined it would be this heavy for this long. I’m just sad…


The journey gets harder…

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We tried with medicated IUIs in November and December with no success. In January, near the end of my TWW, I started spotting and was expecting my period to start any day. The spotting stopped, and my period didn’t come. So I took a test, and there they were, those two little pink lines telling us that we were pregnant. I called the RE’s office the following Monday. They had me go to the lab for a betaHCG (beta) blood test.

The nurse called that afternoon, and I could hear in her voice immediately that it wasn’t great news. My beta came back at 26. By that point in pregnancy (around 15 days post ovulation), they like to see a value of 100 or higher. She told me that I could’ve just implanted late, and we’d have to see how quickly my numbers doubled to know more. So, two days later I went back for another blood test. This time, my result was 65. That still wasn’t the 100 they were hoping for, but my numbers more than doubled in the 48 hour window, and the nurse was much more upbeat when she called. The call ended with a “Congratulations!”.

Still, I felt like something was wrong. My wife kept reassuring me that it was just my normal worrying nature. We were scheduled for a first ultrasound at 7 weeks to see the heartbeat for the first time. Unfortunately, my gut feeling was right. We wouldn’t make it that far.

During my sixth week of pregnancy, I started having cramps. I kept hearing that cramping in the first trimester was normal, but I knew deep down that this was not normal. It couldn’t be. This was as bad if not worse than my period cramps. Every time I went to the bathroom, I expected blood. Then, one afternoon during the last week of January, the cramps were so bad that I had to go to the ER. We had Little Man in tow, because we didn’t have anyone to leave him with on such short notice. With it being flu season, he and Mommy waited in the car until I got a private room in the ER. Then, we were informed that during flu season, children aren’t allowed in the ER at all unless they are the patient. So, everything that follows we went through with nothing but text messages between us.

In the ER, they did another beta and an ultrasound. The tech doing the ultrasound and the radiologist who reviewed it could not visualize anything in the uterus. During the ultrasound, the tech had warned me that it might just be too early to see anything, but I knew that this was the end. Back in the ER, my beta results were back. In over a week, my beta had less than doubled or had doubled and had already started to drop. I was given IV pain meds and admitted for observation. Not only was this pregnancy not viable, but also they were worried it was ectopic.

My wife called a friend to keep Little Man so that she could be with me during transfer and until I got settled in my room.  As they transferred me from the ER to my hospital room, I began to bleed. Even though I knew it was coming, the sight of blood was what finally reduced me to a sobbing heap… After a couple of hours, Mommy left to pick up Little Man, and they went home for the night. Being separated was so hard, and being there in the hospital alone wasn’t easy, but I knew that I wanted Little Man to be at home in his own bed for the night.

The next 36 hours or so are a complete blur. I was allowed no food and even worse, no water in case emergency surgery was necessary. Every 4 hours, my blood was drawn to make sure my hemoglobin levels were stable and that I wasn’t bleeding internally. The OBs on call determined that my severe pain was from a complex (meaning blood or fluid filled) ovarian cyst. After 24+ hours of my hemoglobin levels being stable, I was released with instructions for follow-up betas and an office visit with the OBs that had been on call during my stay. I went home and I cried and slept and cried some more.

The next couple weeks were filled with the ever constant reminder that I was losing the pregnancy, the bleeding. I dreaded going to the bathroom, because it meant looking at all that blood. I was off work for the rest of the week until we got my pain under control. Then, I had to go back to work and pretend like my heart wasn’t breaking. None of these people even knew that we were TTC, let alone that I had been pregnant the last time they’d seen me. Even though I’d felt like something was wrong all along, and even though we’d never even gotten to the point of seeing our bean on an ultrasound, we still felt this loss and still needed to grieve. I had let myself imagine a 2013 Christmas with two little ones in the house. I had started to think about all the things that would be our last as a family of three. Now, that was no longer going to be our reality.

I bled for weeks. It stopped the day of my follow-up with the OB. I had another beta level drawn at that appointment. My levels had returned to pre-pregnancy numbers. This meant that my body was ready to TTC again once my period returned. Because my beta numbers had dropped all the way without intervention, and my pain had ended, the doctor finally said conclusively that the pregnancy was not ectopic.

That’s all I can write for now. I’ll continue in future posts.

Silence Broken…

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I haven’t written about this here, because there are people who read this blog who know our “real life” identities, and we haven’t shared this news with any of them yet. For almost a year now, we’ve been trying to give Little Man a sibling. This time, I’ve been trying to get pregnant. It’s been a long hard road, and we still don’t have any good news to report on that front. In the coming weeks, I’m going to write some about our story here. I need a place to talk through it for myself, and maybe there’s someone else out there who will stumble across it and find comfort in the fact that (s)he is not alone in facing infertility, anxiety disorder, and miscarriage. It’s been hard for me to be quiet all this time, but now you know why I haven’t really been writing. If you’re still here, thanks for hanging around.